11:18 p.m. - 04.16.09
Heavy heart, tired eyes.
I'm beyond tired of pretending. I pretend I'm okay. I pretend to be stronger than I really am. I pretend like certain things don't phase me. I feel like I spend my life pretending.
I'm trying so fucking hard to be this girl everyone loves. I'm trying to be strong and "get over it". I'm trying to be happy, give love a chance, and let go of him.
But, I'm failing...
I still love him. I don't know why. I still miss him. And I know I shouldn't.
I feel like my life has been haulted. I feel like I'm caged, and for some unknown reason, Heartbreaker holds the key. The truth is, I just want to break free. I want to forget him. I want to forget I ever met him; that he even exists, but I need to remember the lessons learned.
'I want to be there every time you cry, I'd love to sleep and wake up by your side. Endless love I'll always provide, just remember who's in love with you.' I wish that was for me....
I have to start making a difference in my life, and stop being such a part of everyone else's life. I feel like I've lost myself. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.
I've got to get this together. There's no more time to waste...
Tomorrow is my father's birthday. I have no money to buy him anything. I'll probably barely see him. I hope he knows how much I love him and that I'm trying my hardest to be in the best position to take care of him in the future. I know I can do it. I just don't want him to give up, on life, or on me. I can do it. I know I can...
Just not right now. And it's tearing my very soul apart.
Dear God,
I don't know how much more I can bare. They say you don't give us more than we can handle, but I'm at my limit. Please help things to start falling in place.
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